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Backstabbers

  • Jan. 29th, 2007 at 8:46 PM
Monday Morning
So I know I told Meredith I was going to go to sleep. I didn't lie; I did. Really. But it's three hours after I told her good night and I'm up again. As much as I hate to admit it, I am still that girl.

Who completely loses herself over a guy.

Really, I can't believe it. He cheated on me after everything. And I just can't...I just can't see why he'd do that.

It all comes back to Denny. If he's going to hold Denny against me forever, than he's in for a serious problem. The grudge is going to drag him down. I let go. I let go! I mean, what else can I DO for him? The past is already done, and maybe I was unfair.

Okay. Fine. I went crazy, and I see how stupid I was for that. Humans do that. We make mistakes. We get up and try again. I did it. I thought that he did it. And I know that you have to do the whole forgiveness thing (religion's on my mind...why?), but where do you draw the line between forgiveness and becoming a doormat?

I'm just so...depressed. And what makes it worse was that I liked Callie. I know we got off to a really bad start, but I felt bad for her for what George did. I mean, she didn't tell him about the baby and her problems, but I didn't want her to be alone.

Obviously, Alex could help her in ways I couldn't. Which makes me sad. And disappointed. She didn't seem like the type of person who needed...sex. And less than 24 hours after I tell her that I want to help her out, that I care for her and that she's not alone, she does this?

What's with sex anyway? I mean, does it really make you feel better? I think pretty much everyone has used it to get over something. Hell, I used it when I was 17. Look where it got me. I now have a little girl out there who will most probably never know who I am. Sometimes I wonder if she's out there hating me. I would hate me. I never will blame her if she hates me for the rest of her life.

But really, after your high, you put your clothes back on, and for some reason the hole gets a little bit bigger because you realize that you just sold yourself and you don't care. You feel worthless. I feel worthless. He used me.

Which brings me to Meredith. I love her to death. We're always there for each other, and yet I get this feeling that I'm inconveniencing her. (I cannot spell tonight) Who am I supposed to trust? I totally went mental in that bar. But what was I supposed to do? Hug him back and say that it was okay?

So here we go. Walls...coming back up. I have honestly landed myself in a group of people who are just...can I say evil? I don't know.

And now there's no one to talk to. I think. And I swear if I have to go back to my shrink I will personally have to shoot myself afterward.

Aaaaand...the whole pour your feelings out thing doesn't work at all. My alarm just went off and I have to go to work. So...list of people to avoid (at the risk of me suddenly having to kick their sorry asses).

1. Alex
2. Callie (she's pregnant and I can't blame that baby)
3. George (I can't tell him about Alex and Callie...he'd go kill him)
4. Meredith (since she probably doesn't want to talk to me anyway...optional)

Ugh. Kill me. It would probably be a lot easier.

Shaken

  • Dec. 31st, 2006 at 4:54 PM
Monday Morning
Meredith's in the bathroom, but after last night I just...ugh. I can't shake this feeling. What happened to her is just so horrible and so unimaginable...and the fact that she dealt with it for all these years. She was nine. NINE! And she was molested. I'm the first one she's ever told. What do you say in a situation like that?

I feel so protective of her. We have this big-sister-little-sister thing going on. She's just so small and so strong, but she's been hit by so much. I just can't help but cry when I think about it...

I can't tell anyone. I know that, but I just have to see it out in front of me. Stuff like that always hits home for me. Always.

I love that she confides in me. I feel left out a lot here. Not as much as before but still. They're over there doing their thing and I'm over here. It's not a big deal and I'm not whining but it's still there. Like Callie. Yup, she's actually pregnant, and I'm pretty sure (along with Alex) that Addison is too. So that makes four of us. Strange the things that you don't know about people. You want to be there for them but they can't tell you things...and you watch them hurting and you can't do anything.

Once again, not complaining, just saying.

And the strangest thing happened yesterday. Mark, Meredith, and Juliet know something. I think Bailey does too. I don't know what's going on but it's big and very wrong. I hope someone's not hurt.

Oh, and Meredith and George are in a fight, which is freaking great. I've been trying to talk to him but I think Callie beat me to it.

All in all, a bizarre couple of days. Not the good kind. Oh, Meredith's coming out. It's my turn now. Better get off.

The Best Song Ever!!! (as of right now)

  • Dec. 31st, 2006 at 1:42 AM
Monday Morning
You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side
You know i'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go; you know I wont give in
No I wont give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know i'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say, nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late
This could all disapear
Before the doors close
This comes to an end
But with you by my side, I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend yeah yeah

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know i'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say, nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say
I believe nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
What ever is meant to be
Will work out perfectly yeah yeah yeah yeah
lalalalalalala...

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know i'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say, nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know i'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say, nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Christmas Present!!!

  • Dec. 16th, 2006 at 10:20 PM
Monday Morning
I'm so proud of myself! I got something done today. Even after that party and work, I was able to sneak out and get Meredith's (and Derek's, even though it's technically not his present...I got him something else)Christmas present! Not to mention that it's as much of a Christmas present to George and I (he's going to love me) as it is to Meredith and Derek. I think. Unless they're the kind of people who like to bang their heads against something hard...multiple times.

OKAY. Anyway, yes, I got them the padded headboard. It was pretty funny because the salesperson thought I needed it, and he was giving me these looks the whole time. I didn't really care though.

As it would probably be a little mean to give it to Meredith, I had it installed in her room with a little note from me. I think she spent the night with Derek last night. To think I could have slept! But nah, being with Alex was better.

So of course I had to get Mer a second present also to make up for there apparently being none for her (basically everyone will find out sooner or later but it's better this way). Hope she likes it! I hope they all like their presents!!!

Christmas Eve Magic

  • Dec. 16th, 2006 at 2:21 AM
Monday Morning
Something a little crazy happened today. After Alex and I went to Joe's, I asked him to drive me home. I love when we team up. Now we're currently (kind of) spying on Addison and Mark to find out what the heck they're doing. I mean, being together is one thing, but jewelry? Now you know there's something that we're not seeing...something even the nurses can't pick up. So we're going to figure it out.

I really missed him. Alex. I missed our banters and everything. Anyway, we ended up talking about Christmas on the way home. Yeah, Christmas. I love Christmas. Though I was afraid that this year wouldn't be as good as the last few. Anyway, somehow we ended up inside Meredith's house looking at Christmas decorations.

Oh yeah. That reminds me. Note to self: Buy padded headboard for Meredith and McDreamy.

Anyway (yeah that was random) what started out as a tinsel fight ended up with both of us kissing each other behind the couch. Clique? Maybe a little.

Here's this turmoil I've been trying to deal with. If I go with Alex, will it insult Denny's memory? It's been a few months since prom, and I think I have an answer. It's no. I don't know how I know that, but I do. I love Denny, but he wants me to move on.

Which brings me to Alex. What else can I say? He's Alex. I'm Izzie. We mesh. No matter how much either of us doesn't want to.

Anyway, I'm headed to the Christmas party with Alex. Of course, we didn't go there right away. What started out as me losing my balance and falling onto Alex in the car turned into (roughly) a one hour makeout session. And can I tell you, I hurt! Of course, I was wedged inbetween him and the steering wheel, my heels were stuck to the carpet, my arms gave out about 3 times. Ah, it's complicated. But I liked it. I had no idea how much I missed him.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing who we can get with the mistletoe at the party. This should be fun. :D

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Dec. 10th, 2006

  • 8:55 AM
Monday Morning
We lost Adrian. The broken bones guy. Which could be emotionally blowing in many ways.

Number one, I knew him. He was my ex's friend. We watched football at his house. We went to bars together. He called me Iz-Whiz. (Retarded, I know, but come on, the guy is DEAD.)

Number two, I didn't get the OR in time. I ran off and then he was gone.

Number three, it upset Callie and I could have comforted her, but what did I do? Run out, like the coward I am.

But do you know why it really hurt? I mean, really really hurt? And this is going to sound so horrible because I'm going to sound completely inhuman, but here's the thing. Everyone dies. I can deal with that. I can deal with my own morality. At least I can right now. Maybe it was his time.

It's the fact that I have screwed up once again. My first solo patient since Denny...real patient. And it screws up. I mean, when does it end? When do I get to stop paying for what I did?

Anyway, it's also ironic that this happens on the one night I get to go out with Alex and the others. Not that I did anything special for Alex. Well...it's complicated. I am such a weird person. I swear I have no idea who I am anymore.

Sparks

  • Dec. 6th, 2006 at 6:36 AM
Monday Morning
So...today has been a pretty good day! I get to be on a case by myself and I haven't done anything majorly stupid today, nor has anyone dropped a bombshell on our heads. Which, I have to admit, makes me a little nervous, because Seattle Grace is a battlefield. If there are no bombs, that's the calm before the storm. So I'm kind of like hmmm...

But whatever. I'm too bright and shiny to care. Okay, maybe not shiny, but definitely bright. Like a spark in the darkness.

So I have this hockey player victim. (Ironic, huh? Haha.) Anyway, he's seriously busted up. I swear it's not from hockey. More like he fell off a building, or whatever.

Anyway, I'm going to Joe's tonight with Alex. Yup, I'm going out. I've been like a hermit or something for the last week. I think I'll give the kitchen a break. :D

Bright...and Sparkly. Nah, that sounds too happy. I'll think of something.

In the meantime, I can try and figure out what in the world McSteamy's doing with jewelry. I don't know...the guy doesn't seem like the kind who's into sparklies. So who is? I wonder...but it's really far-fetched. I mean...well, whatever.

I'm just saying...just because I'm blond doesn't mean that I'm stupid. Okay, well I am, but only sometimes, and not now!

Those Crappy Days...

  • Dec. 2nd, 2006 at 7:45 AM
Monday Morning
My God. I have no idea what is going on anymore? What is happening to us? In a way I feel like I started this thing, this downward spiral. Like we function, but our personal lives are totally shot.

I just can't believe what Christina was doing. What was she thinking? How could she risk those people's lives? Her career? Dr. Burke's career? How could he have let her do that to him? I just don't get it.

I'm a hypocrite. I did the exact same thing a month ago. (Has it really only been a month? I feel like my whole life has changed in the past year.) What was I thinking? How could I have risked that person's life, that other person who could have gotten the heart? My career? My friends' careers, Dr. Bailey, the hospital?

Love. That crappy, crappy thing. Love. Christina loves Burke and I loved Denny. It's like that whole Romeo and Juliet thing, how love takes over everything and it's all you can think about. It's all you care about. When I was little, I read that story and I thought it was so wonderful and romantic. I knew it could never happen, but it was just something a girl dreamed about, you know?

I was wrong. It happened twice. Now I think that it's crap. What's the use of love if all it does is hurt people? Alex hurt me. Denny (may he rest in peace) hurt me. And now I'm just hurting. Meredith is standing by Christina. Why? God only knows. They have this bond that I've never had with anyone. What little bonds I had are wearing off.

Did fate will it this way? Do we have to go through these years of hell, hoping that towards the end we'll find some kind of happiness that's going to somehow set us free? As much as I would like to believe in magic, magic doesn't want to believe in me.

Which brings me to Dr. Sloan. That...ugh. I can't describe him. Does he honestly think he can just boss us around? Alex can't stick up to him, but by God I will, because someone has to. What do I have to lose? Like I'd be in plastics. Please! I don't even know if I'll make it through this program. Rumor has it he's with Addison again. Well, that should be interesting. Because for some reason, life stuck us all in here with each other and is now letting us rip each other to shreds.

That's what scares me. When you're done here, when you're through, will you have feeling in you left? Will you have human in you left? I just need someone to talk to and everyone's got their own stuff. I get that. I just wish I had a person like Meredith and Christina do.

Nov. 25th, 2006

  • 12:17 AM
Monday Morning
Today was a horrible day. Lord, can I get my heart to stop beating. So intense. It's just...ugh. So bad.

I woke up today feeling crappy. I knew today was going to be bad. What I didn't know was that Christina and Burke were going to drop the biggest bombshell on us in the history of the world.

Then again, I was a pretty huge bombshell. Maybe second. Whatever. What is happening to us? Why is it so impossible for us to be happy? Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we have to?

Wow, I hate myself so much right now. I mean, I go over the line (I always seem to do that). I mean, it's fine. It's me. Sometimes I wish I was like Christina. Nothing gets to her. Nothing. Though today has proven that no one is invincible. We are all human. Fine. We make mistakes. Fine. But what George said to me really hurt. I hope he knows that. I really do. I mean, it's not enough for me to hate him forever, but can I trust him? Can I trust anyone?

I'm so scared that we're going to destroy ourselves.

Holy Crap!!!

  • Nov. 19th, 2006 at 6:57 PM
Monday Morning
OMG...so I was talking to Meredith and we heard this knock outside, so I go to look out the window and CALLIE TORRES IS STANDING OUTSIDE OUR HOUSE!!!

What is she doing here? Seriously!!! Thank goodness George isn't here...he's visiting his dad...I don't know what to do!!! I get the feeling that things are weird between them...I want to get the door but I just finished pouring my soul out to Meredith...oh boy.

I swear, here in Seattle, timing's so not our forte.

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