So I know I told Meredith I was going to go to sleep. I didn't lie; I did. Really. But it's three hours after I told her good night and I'm up again. As much as I hate to admit it, I am still that girl.

Who completely loses herself over a guy.

Really, I can't believe it. He cheated on me after everything. And I just can't...I just can't see why he'd do that.

It all comes back to Denny. If he's going to hold Denny against me forever, than he's in for a serious problem. The grudge is going to drag him down. I let go. I let go! I mean, what else can I DO for him? The past is already done, and maybe I was unfair.

Okay. Fine. I went crazy, and I see how stupid I was for that. Humans do that. We make mistakes. We get up and try again. I did it. I thought that he did it. And I know that you have to do the whole forgiveness thing (religion's on my mind...why?), but where do you draw the line between forgiveness and becoming a doormat?

I'm just so...depressed. And what makes it worse was that I liked Callie. I know we got off to a really bad start, but I felt bad for her for what George did. I mean, she didn't tell him about the baby and her problems, but I didn't want her to be alone.

Obviously, Alex could help her in ways I couldn't. Which makes me sad. And disappointed. She didn't seem like the type of person who needed...sex. And less than 24 hours after I tell her that I want to help her out, that I care for her and that she's not alone, she does this?

What's with sex anyway? I mean, does it really make you feel better? I think pretty much everyone has used it to get over something. Hell, I used it when I was 17. Look where it got me. I now have a little girl out there who will most probably never know who I am. Sometimes I wonder if she's out there hating me. I would hate me. I never will blame her if she hates me for the rest of her life.

But really, after your high, you put your clothes back on, and for some reason the hole gets a little bit bigger because you realize that you just sold yourself and you don't care. You feel worthless. I feel worthless. He used me.

Which brings me to Meredith. I love her to death. We're always there for each other, and yet I get this feeling that I'm inconveniencing her. (I cannot spell tonight) Who am I supposed to trust? I totally went mental in that bar. But what was I supposed to do? Hug him back and say that it was okay?

So here we go. Walls...coming back up. I have honestly landed myself in a group of people who are just...can I say evil? I don't know.

And now there's no one to talk to. I think. And I swear if I have to go back to my shrink I will personally have to shoot myself afterward.

Aaaaand...the whole pour your feelings out thing doesn't work at all. My alarm just went off and I have to go to work. So...list of people to avoid (at the risk of me suddenly having to kick their sorry asses).

1. Alex
2. Callie (she's pregnant and I can't blame that baby)
3. George (I can't tell him about Alex and Callie...he'd go kill him)
4. Meredith (since she probably doesn't want to talk to me anyway...optional)

Ugh. Kill me. It would probably be a lot easier.

Meredith's in the bathroom, but after last night I just...ugh. I can't shake this feeling. What happened to her is just so horrible and so unimaginable...and the fact that she dealt with it for all these years. She was nine. NINE! And she was molested. I'm the first one she's ever told. What do you say in a situation like that?

I feel so protective of her. We have this big-sister-little-sister thing going on. She's just so small and so strong, but she's been hit by so much. I just can't help but cry when I think about it...

I can't tell anyone. I know that, but I just have to see it out in front of me. Stuff like that always hits home for me. Always.

I love that she confides in me. I feel left out a lot here. Not as much as before but still. They're over there doing their thing and I'm over here. It's not a big deal and I'm not whining but it's still there. Like Callie. Yup, she's actually pregnant, and I'm pretty sure (along with Alex) that Addison is too. So that makes four of us. Strange the things that you don't know about people. You want to be there for them but they can't tell you things...and you watch them hurting and you can't do anything.

Once again, not complaining, just saying.

And the strangest thing happened yesterday. Mark, Meredith, and Juliet know something. I think Bailey does too. I don't know what's going on but it's big and very wrong. I hope someone's not hurt.

Oh, and Meredith and George are in a fight, which is freaking great. I've been trying to talk to him but I think Callie beat me to it.

All in all, a bizarre couple of days. Not the good kind. Oh, Meredith's coming out. It's my turn now. Better get off.

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side
You know i'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go; you know I wont give in
No I wont give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know i'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say, nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late
This could all disapear
Before the doors close
This comes to an end
But with you by my side, I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend yeah yeah

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know i'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say, nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say
I believe nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
What ever is meant to be
Will work out perfectly yeah yeah yeah yeah
lalalalalalala...

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know i'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say, nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know i'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say, nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

I'm so proud of myself! I got something done today. Even after that party and work, I was able to sneak out and get Meredith's (and Derek's, even though it's technically not his present...I got him something else)Christmas present! Not to mention that it's as much of a Christmas present to George and I (he's going to love me) as it is to Meredith and Derek. I think. Unless they're the kind of people who like to bang their heads against something hard...multiple times.

OKAY. Anyway, yes, I got them the padded headboard. It was pretty funny because the salesperson thought I needed it, and he was giving me these looks the whole time. I didn't really care though.

As it would probably be a little mean to give it to Meredith, I had it installed in her room with a little note from me. I think she spent the night with Derek last night. To think I could have slept! But nah, being with Alex was better.

So of course I had to get Mer a second present also to make up for there apparently being none for her (basically everyone will find out sooner or later but it's better this way). Hope she likes it! I hope they all like their presents!!!

Something a little crazy happened today. After Alex and I went to Joe's, I asked him to drive me home. I love when we team up. Now we're currently (kind of) spying on Addison and Mark to find out what the heck they're doing. I mean, being together is one thing, but jewelry? Now you know there's something that we're not seeing...something even the nurses can't pick up. So we're going to figure it out.

I really missed him. Alex. I missed our banters and everything. Anyway, we ended up talking about Christmas on the way home. Yeah, Christmas. I love Christmas. Though I was afraid that this year wouldn't be as good as the last few. Anyway, somehow we ended up inside Meredith's house looking at Christmas decorations.

Oh yeah. That reminds me. Note to self: Buy padded headboard for Meredith and McDreamy.

Anyway (yeah that was random) what started out as a tinsel fight ended up with both of us kissing each other behind the couch. Clique? Maybe a little.

Here's this turmoil I've been trying to deal with. If I go with Alex, will it insult Denny's memory? It's been a few months since prom, and I think I have an answer. It's no. I don't know how I know that, but I do. I love Denny, but he wants me to move on.

Which brings me to Alex. What else can I say? He's Alex. I'm Izzie. We mesh. No matter how much either of us doesn't want to.

Anyway, I'm headed to the Christmas party with Alex. Of course, we didn't go there right away. What started out as me losing my balance and falling onto Alex in the car turned into (roughly) a one hour makeout session. And can I tell you, I hurt! Of course, I was wedged inbetween him and the steering wheel, my heels were stuck to the carpet, my arms gave out about 3 times. Ah, it's complicated. But I liked it. I had no idea how much I missed him.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing who we can get with the mistletoe at the party. This should be fun. :D

We lost Adrian. The broken bones guy. Which could be emotionally blowing in many ways.

Number one, I knew him. He was my ex's friend. We watched football at his house. We went to bars together. He called me Iz-Whiz. (Retarded, I know, but come on, the guy is DEAD.)

Number two, I didn't get the OR in time. I ran off and then he was gone.

Number three, it upset Callie and I could have comforted her, but what did I do? Run out, like the coward I am.

But do you know why it really hurt? I mean, really really hurt? And this is going to sound so horrible because I'm going to sound completely inhuman, but here's the thing. Everyone dies. I can deal with that. I can deal with my own morality. At least I can right now. Maybe it was his time.

It's the fact that I have screwed up once again. My first solo patient since Denny...real patient. And it screws up. I mean, when does it end? When do I get to stop paying for what I did?

Anyway, it's also ironic that this happens on the one night I get to go out with Alex and the others. Not that I did anything special for Alex. Well...it's complicated. I am such a weird person. I swear I have no idea who I am anymore.

So...today has been a pretty good day! I get to be on a case by myself and I haven't done anything majorly stupid today, nor has anyone dropped a bombshell on our heads. Which, I have to admit, makes me a little nervous, because Seattle Grace is a battlefield. If there are no bombs, that's the calm before the storm. So I'm kind of like hmmm...

But whatever. I'm too bright and shiny to care. Okay, maybe not shiny, but definitely bright. Like a spark in the darkness.

So I have this hockey player victim. (Ironic, huh? Haha.) Anyway, he's seriously busted up. I swear it's not from hockey. More like he fell off a building, or whatever.

Anyway, I'm going to Joe's tonight with Alex. Yup, I'm going out. I've been like a hermit or something for the last week. I think I'll give the kitchen a break. :D

Bright...and Sparkly. Nah, that sounds too happy. I'll think of something.

In the meantime, I can try and figure out what in the world McSteamy's doing with jewelry. I don't know...the guy doesn't seem like the kind who's into sparklies. So who is? I wonder...but it's really far-fetched. I mean...well, whatever.

I'm just saying...just because I'm blond doesn't mean that I'm stupid. Okay, well I am, but only sometimes, and not now!

My God. I have no idea what is going on anymore? What is happening to us? In a way I feel like I started this thing, this downward spiral. Like we function, but our personal lives are totally shot.

I just can't believe what Christina was doing. What was she thinking? How could she risk those people's lives? Her career? Dr. Burke's career? How could he have let her do that to him? I just don't get it.

I'm a hypocrite. I did the exact same thing a month ago. (Has it really only been a month? I feel like my whole life has changed in the past year.) What was I thinking? How could I have risked that person's life, that other person who could have gotten the heart? My career? My friends' careers, Dr. Bailey, the hospital?

Love. That crappy, crappy thing. Love. Christina loves Burke and I loved Denny. It's like that whole Romeo and Juliet thing, how love takes over everything and it's all you can think about. It's all you care about. When I was little, I read that story and I thought it was so wonderful and romantic. I knew it could never happen, but it was just something a girl dreamed about, you know?

I was wrong. It happened twice. Now I think that it's crap. What's the use of love if all it does is hurt people? Alex hurt me. Denny (may he rest in peace) hurt me. And now I'm just hurting. Meredith is standing by Christina. Why? God only knows. They have this bond that I've never had with anyone. What little bonds I had are wearing off.

Did fate will it this way? Do we have to go through these years of hell, hoping that towards the end we'll find some kind of happiness that's going to somehow set us free? As much as I would like to believe in magic, magic doesn't want to believe in me.

Which brings me to Dr. Sloan. That...ugh. I can't describe him. Does he honestly think he can just boss us around? Alex can't stick up to him, but by God I will, because someone has to. What do I have to lose? Like I'd be in plastics. Please! I don't even know if I'll make it through this program. Rumor has it he's with Addison again. Well, that should be interesting. Because for some reason, life stuck us all in here with each other and is now letting us rip each other to shreds.

That's what scares me. When you're done here, when you're through, will you have feeling in you left? Will you have human in you left? I just need someone to talk to and everyone's got their own stuff. I get that. I just wish I had a person like Meredith and Christina do.

Today was a horrible day. Lord, can I get my heart to stop beating. So intense. It's just...ugh. So bad.

I woke up today feeling crappy. I knew today was going to be bad. What I didn't know was that Christina and Burke were going to drop the biggest bombshell on us in the history of the world.

Then again, I was a pretty huge bombshell. Maybe second. Whatever. What is happening to us? Why is it so impossible for us to be happy? Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we have to?

Wow, I hate myself so much right now. I mean, I go over the line (I always seem to do that). I mean, it's fine. It's me. Sometimes I wish I was like Christina. Nothing gets to her. Nothing. Though today has proven that no one is invincible. We are all human. Fine. We make mistakes. Fine. But what George said to me really hurt. I hope he knows that. I really do. I mean, it's not enough for me to hate him forever, but can I trust him? Can I trust anyone?

I'm so scared that we're going to destroy ourselves.

OMG...so I was talking to Meredith and we heard this knock outside, so I go to look out the window and CALLIE TORRES IS STANDING OUTSIDE OUR HOUSE!!!

What is she doing here? Seriously!!! Thank goodness George isn't here...he's visiting his dad...I don't know what to do!!! I get the feeling that things are weird between them...I want to get the door but I just finished pouring my soul out to Meredith...oh boy.

I swear, here in Seattle, timing's so not our forte.

Alex kissed me today. I don't know what that means.

It's amazing...I've known the people I work with better than my own family for so long, and he's the only one I can't see past. I can see all my friends...yeah, friends, so well, but I can't see him. He's the only one I can't figure out. I don't know what that means.

We were walking up the stairs. He let me help with the patient!!! No one had ever done that for me...willingly anyway. I was so happy!!! And then he just kind of...grabbed me and kissed me. I think he himself was surprised he did it.

He still feels the same way about me. But I'm scared to death. Denny...

I've been avoiding this for a while. He was a patient. And I loved him. He was Denny. We were going to get married. I go home to change my dress, and I take a little too long. I worried about my appearence. Stupid.

And I came back...and he...he was dead. There. I said it. He was dead.

The whole world should have stopped, but it didn't. But my friends did. They dropped everything and came to me. But I didn't want them to stop. I wanted the world to stop. I wanted Denny. Either that or I wanted to lay and wait for the world to turn without me, until I could see him again.

Christina told me that I should wallow. But not too much. George told me everything was okay. He tried his best.

But it was Meredith. Meredith, of all people. She told me that the world would keep on spinning, and the only way for me to live, to love, to honor Denny was to get up, move, love, live. And so I do that for him.

But I'm selfish. I'm so selfish. I wanted my pain for myself. Why did God have to take him away from me? Why me?

And now, Alex. Why him? Why did he have to realize that he...I don't even know the word. He cheated on me. That should mean something. It does...I'm so confused. It's just that the second you think he's a giant jerk, he does something so completely heartwarming.

I told him no. Not now. God, why am I so messed up. I'm kissing people like Denny never existed. He kissed me. But why do I have this guilt? He said we'd be friends. He was understanding. And yet I have guilt.

The guilt. We all walk around the hospital with that expression on our faces...self-loathing. I'm waiting for us to crack. It's going to come soon.

I just feel like, I have to TELL someone about this. I have to let myself get judged, be punished. I think I need to be punished.

See how selfish I am? George's dad is dying, and I'm here moaning about my own problems. Self-loathing. I wonder if this is how Meredith, Derek, and the whole crew felt while they were doing their little thing. Did they hate themselves as much as I feel like I do sometimes? It's unbearable. How do they live with themselves?

I need to go talk to Meredith again. I always seem to be heading to her these days.

So Meredith and I had a little one on one this morning before I went to work. Apparently Mark's getting under her skin. Now we're at work and she's gone to talk to Addison or Callie or something. They should form a club or something. Seriously.

I think I'm the only one who he hasn't gone after yet. *sigh* He's so pathetic it's kind of funny.

I have a feeling something's going to happen today...so anyway...

I wish I could talk to someone about this. Really, really. I don't know.

Well, go where the day takes you, right? Being a beautiful disaster isn't all its cracked up to be.

Well...Debbie's coming back. The last thing I need is for her to start a rumor on how I'm hiding computer files or something...lol like I'd know how anyway!!!

Pain's not so bad today. I only feel like crying a little. That's an improvement, right? I hope so.

Well...might as well get this over with. What do they call it? Ripping off the bandaid or something. There's less pain. I think I heard McDreamy say that one time...

I have no idea what's going on with him and Meredith. And somehow Mark comes into the picture? And then the other day, I was hanging out around the nurses' station (doing nothing medical...I promise!!!) and I heard from...Debbie...I think her name was...that supposedly ADDISON is with Mark.

That guy is getting on my nerves. The LAST thing this hospital needs is another freaking MAN to mess everything up!!! What the heck? Well...they were best friends...now they're totally cursing our space. Don't get me wrong...I don't HATE Mark...I just wish he'd stay on his side of the fence for once. I don't HATE Derek either...seriously, how can you hate two people who look like THAT anyway?

Sometimes I want to go up to him and give him a good whack in the face with a chart and be like FOR GOD'S SAKE, DO SOMETHING ALREADY!!! We're all dying here!!! We'd appreciate it very much if for once, he would make a decision and stick to it. Mark...don't even get me started on that guy. How long has he been here? Good Lord!!!

Well, if Mark's messing with Addison AND Meredith, and who knows who else...he's made a BIG mistake, messing with us Seattle Grace girls. We're stronger than we look...but definitely not as smart, I think, when it come to love.

George and Callie have been having issues...I'm not sure what because I think he's secluded his problems away from mine. Which was nice of him. I don't know what's going on with them...but I heard that there's a random rumor around that she was with someone else...in which case I would have to personally kick her sorry butt, but I don't think she'd do that. Or else it would have to be SOME guy and she's have to be pissed, drunk, or both. She loves George.

Well, I guess you can fall out of love with someone...look at Addison and Derek. But they're a very extreme example. Seriously.

Anyway...I've also heard that the chief and Adele are on the rocks...but wouldn't you have to be with what they've got behind them? *sigh* Whatever happens with them happens. Maybe they can deal with it as adults. Lord knows we can't.

Okay, so I've saved the...best? Worst? For last. Alex...I've never known anyone who I could feel sorry for, pissed at, and even (kind of) like at the same time. He's supposedly gone from Addison to Mark and (maybe?) back.

I don't blame him. I don't want to work with Mark. What's plastics compared to babies? But whatever.

I don't know what's going to happen to him. I don't even know why I care. What does it have to do with me?

So I'm Isobel (Izzie) Stevens. Everyone calls me Izzie. I live in Seattle in my friend Meredith Grey's house with George O'Malley, our other friend. We're all interns at Seattle Grace Hospital along with a couple other people...Alex Karev and Christina Yang. Dr. Bailey's our resident...they call her the Nazi, but she's really good.

Basically here's a rundown of the last year: I joined the Seattle Grace surgical intern program (best one west of the East Coast haha). Yes, I'm a surgeon, though I used to be a model. It brought in enough money to get me in med school and out of debt. Which I'm actually quite proud of.

I grew up in a trailer park. My mom and I? Not a lot of bff stuff there. Ask my friends Meredith, Christina, and George...maybe Alex too. They totally understand.

Anyway, after coming to Seattle Grace and George and I moved in with Meredith, it quickly became apparent that we had gotten the dark and twisty (like it? Mer made it up) group of interns. We all had baggage. Especially Meredith and her whole Derek thing. (I personally think that even though he's a McJerk sometimes, the McDreamy shines through. If they don't get married, I'll go brunette. That's a promise.)

Then Christina got involved with another attending, Dr. Burke. George became my best friend, and Alex and I became...well, I don't know.

I have to admit that we're very close knit. We are together so much that if one person has a problem, it's everyone's problem. Even if we try to keep it from each other. The truth comes out. Boy, do I know that.

Derek had a wife, an Addison Montgomery-Shepherd, who cheated on him with Mark Sloane back in New York. Somehow they're both here now, and THEY'RE ALL DOCTORS. Confusing much? HECK YEAH!!!

I rather liked Addison, at first. Then I didn't. See, I have a problem with getting involved. I just relate to people. It's there, even if I don't want to admit it. Sometimes I don't want it to go away, but it's there, and I know. She knew too apparently and totally fooled around with me. Why? I don't know.

But the way things are going now for that woman, I almost forgive her. She's just so...broken. But we all are these days. It's got to be getting all of us in a room together. It's dangerous.

So what's my story? It can be summed up in one word: Denny. And since this is way too long, I'll talk about that later.

So, welcome to my life! Sometimes I tell George that we're the kind of people they write tv shows about. He says we're not interesting enough.

Then I whack him on the head. :D